Can u please check my ielts essay, I need a feed back about the essay structure as well as its band, thx u kub :)

[Impossible:)]

Nowadays we can’t deny the fact that the computer is becoming an important tool for youth. From elementary schools to tertiary education, we all need computers in order to do our assignments and research for additional information to receive good grades. Many parents may say it is acceptable to allow children to use computers every day; however, I believe that computers can have serious effects on children if it is used by children who have no ideas that computers can harm them. Not only it can deteriorate the relationship between family and children but also prevent them from achieving success in their lives.

Using computers every day can easily limit capacity of children’s learning. A number of children now tend to spend time playing online games on computer whenever they are free. But life is not about sitting in front of screen for hours. There are so many things children can learn that are not available on computer and they could use that time on computer to do new activities so they will know what they want to do in the future. As a result, over using computer can stop children from reaching full potential success.

Relationship between children and parents is a main factor that proves which family is good or bad. Computers can actually worsen the relationship between parents and children if it is used in the wrong way.  Sadly, many of children cannot control their time on computer. When children spend time on computer more, this means they have less time to interact with family members. And of course, over use of computer could result in a change of children habits in downturns from a cheerful person to be a quiet one. Speaking of which, they will miss opportunities to learn valuable lessons from parents and siblings. It is now cleared that youth lives could be affected badly by computer.

In conclusion, the computer can terribly change relationship between families and them, and decrease possibility of children’s potential success. This is why I agree that there are more disadvantages than advantages on children when it comes to the topic about youth using computer every day. All parents should be aware of risk that computer can deteriorate children’s future. But parents cannot just stop them from using it so the only way they should do is to teach children to use computer wisely and give a limited time for children to use. This method would aid children to succeed in their lives.

Comments

[Impossible:)]

The topic: USING A COMPUTER EVERY DAY CAN HAVE MORE NEGATIVE THAN POSITIVE EFFECTS ON YOUR CHILDREN. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

[A-ke]

-“the computer*”
_if you mean computer in general…don’t put “the”

-computers can “cause” serious effects

-“children who have no ideas that computers can harm them”….
_Most got that ideas; but are they aware of them?

-relationship between “family and children”…
_Do you mean children and family are separate identity?...why don’t you say; family members

-but also prevent them from achieving success in their lives. Using computers every day can easily limit capacity of children’s learning.
_SAY WHAT??!...check out your opening…
Be more specific in what case; put it here.

-A number of children now tend to spend time playing online games on computer whenever they are free.
_Tell us why game aren’t good; many learn from games

-As a result, over using computer can stop children from reaching full potential success.
_Good point; try to develop more on this phase

-Relationship between children and parents “is a main*” factor that proves which family is good or bad.

-People can’t “control time”…we can only manage it

-And of course, over use of computer could result in a change of children habits in downturns from a cheerful person to be a quiet one.
_…Are you sure…? How?

-This is why I agree that there are more disadvantages than advantages on children when it comes to the topic about youth using computer every day.
_It’s your idea; I won’t change this but find a good reason to justify...do comparison; not one-sided information.





*=check the grammar

-Please…no quick assumption that people have your perspective….gives examples

-Work out the logic and commonsense

-Some vocab. And phase Does not communicate well;
But IELTS like them “fancy” so I won’t change it.
I’ll blame IELTS for that…

Overall, you did a fair one. If there’s anything more, ya can ask me.

[Impossible:)]

Thx u very much for your feedback. I will now work on my weakness of writing essay.