ช่วยตรวจทาน Essay ให้หน่อยได้มั้ยค่ะ

[Messia]

Save the Environment

          Nowadays, Our Earth is being destroyed by human’s hands. The natural resource is decrease and cause problem to creatures such as Lack of water resource, the water pollution, the air pollution, Lack of Petroleum resource, Lack of Energy resource, Deforestation, and Endangered Species. Personally, I think the water is important for human as well as the air because in human’s body has water 70% so I will focus on water problems; Lack of water resource.

          First of all, the water has two types; Saline water and Fresh water but the saline water is in the Ocean that has 72% of the Earth’s surface so the fresh water is less than saline water. Human can drink only fresh water but human don’t see the importance of water. Human destroy water in many ways such as throw trash into river or lake, use water too much so the water will decrease and in the future it will be nothing for human to drink. How to save water? Now, this question is in every people’s minds.

          However, the solution of this problem isn’t difficult at all. Let’s start with this topic; save the water. Every family should help save it together by when you use water to wash car or wash dishes, back then you should keep the water to watering your plants and the importance things, you mustn’t throw trash into water resource (and every places too.) You should throw it into trashcan. This is the best and easiest way for every people. It doesn’t take much time to do it.

          Above all, I believe that human must see the importance of the natural resource to restore and save the mother Earth and use enough for ourselves to keep it till the future. Save the world, save the life.

Phimphakan Bunthongkaeo

Grade 10^th.

Princess Chulabhorn’s College Nakhon Si Thammarat.

Comments

[ฟูฟี่]

Saving the Environment
Nowadays our earth is being destroyed by human’s hands. The natural resources are decreased and cause problems to many creatures such as lacking of water resources, increasing of water pollution, increasing of air pollution, lacking of petroleum resources, lacking of energy resources, increasing of deforestation, and mutating endangered species. Personally, I think the water is as important to human as the air because there is 70 percents of water inside human’s bodies so I will focus on water problems, lacking of water resources.
There are two types of water, Saline water and Fresh water. The saline water is in the ocean covering 72% of the earth’s surface so that the fresh water is less than it. Although humans can drink only fresh water, they have not realized the importance of water. Humans destroy water in many ways such as throwing trash into rivers or lakes, using too much water so it decreases. Finally, in the future, there will not be any fresh water to drink. Now, the question "How can we save water?" should be in every people’s minds.
However, the solution of this problem is not difficult at all ,just let’s start to save water. For instance, when you use water to wash car or dishes, back it to water your plants. Especially, you must not throw trashes into water resources (and every places too). You should throw it into trashcan. These are the best and easiest ways for every people. They do not take much time to do.
From all above, I believe that we must realize the importance of the natural resources. Restore and save the mother of earth not for others but ourselves to keep it till the future. Save the world, save the life.

ผิดพลาดยังไงก็ขอโทษด้วยนะคะ

[La Bassa]

ขอเล่นเป็นพารากราฟเลยนะครับ 

 Nowadays, Our Earth is being destroyed by human’s hands. The natural resource is decrease and cause problem to creatures such as Lack of water resource, the water pollution, the air pollution, Lack of Petroleum resource, Lack of Energy resource, Deforestation, and Endangered Species. Personally, I think the water is important for human as well as the air because in human’s body has water 70% so I will focus on water problems; Lack of water resource.

ในประโยคที่สองค่อนข้างเป็นรูปประโยคที่สับสน พอจับใจความได้ว่า ทรัพยากรธรรมชาติกำลังหรือถูกทำให้ลดลง จึงก่อให้เกิดปัญหาที่ตามมาอันได้แก่ การขาดแคลนทรัพยากรน้ำ มลพิษ การขาดแคลนปิโตรเลียม การขาดแคลนแหล่งพลังงาน การตัดไม้ทำลายป่า? (ตรงนี้คืองงว่า การที่ทรัพยากรธรรมชาติลด ทำให้เกิดการตัดไม้ทำลายป่า?)  และสัตว์ใกล้สูญพันธุ์   อ่านแล้วรู้สึกแปลกๆ จึงควรจะเปลี่ยนและเรียงลำดับ

The natural resource is being decreased and gives rise to many subsequent problems; such as the lack of water and petroleum resources and pollutions, mainly caused by deforestation, and thus, as well put many (of) living species in the endangered zone.

ในประโยคที่ 3 ก็ใช้ได้ครับ แต่ติดตรงที่ so I will focus on water problems คือ การเขียนเอสเสย์ที่ดี เราจะไม่ address ผู้อ่าน แต่จะเป็นการเขียนแบบเปิดทางเพื่อไปสู่อีกพารากราฟหนึ่ง (จริงๆแล้วควรจะมี Thesis statement คือประเด็นต่างๆที่เราจะกล่าวใน body paragraph อันนี้น้องอาจจะไม่ทราบมาก่อน ดังนั้นไม่เป็นไรครับ)

Personally, I think the water is important for humans as well as the oxyen , a part of the reasons is because a human’s body consists of over than 70% (of) liquid. So the main problem that should be discussed on (be paid attention to) is most likely to be  'the lack of water resource'. 

[La Bassa]

First of all, the water has two types; Saline water and Fresh water but the saline water is in the Ocean that has 72% of the Earth’s surface so the fresh water is less than saline water. Human can drink only fresh water but human don’t see the importance of water. Human destroy water in many ways such as throw trash into river or lake, use water too much so the water will decrease and in the future it will be nothing for human to drink. How to save water? Now, this question is in every people’s minds.

แก้เลยดีกว่า 5555

First of all, there are two types of water; saline water and fresh water. Our earth is almost wholly covered by saline water, which made up to 72% of all earth's surface, and only 3% of all water existence is considered to be fresh water - making a conspicuous amount of difference. Humans can only drink fresh water and cannot live without it, but yet still see no importance and even being unappreciative. Humans pollute and destroy water resources in various of ways; such as throwing trash into river or lake, wastingly using the water, etc. These actions engage the potential of serious water problems in the future. Worstly, if there'd be no more water for humans and other life beings, then how would we survive ? Now, the question could be in everyone’s minds.

ตรงประโยคสุดท้ายที่ต้องเติม could เข้าไป เพื่อลดความรู้สึกในความมั่นใจที่จะบอกว่า อยู่ในใจของทุกคน เพราะอันที่จริงเราไม่รู้ว่าจริงหรือไม่ ซึ่งจะค่อนข้าง assertive

[La Bassa]

However, the solution of this problem isn’t difficult at all. Let’s start with this topic; save the water. Every family should help save it together by when you use water to wash car or wash dishes, back then you should keep the water to watering your plants and the importance things, you mustn’t throw trash into water resource (and every places too.) You should throw it into trashcan. This is the best and easiest way for every people. It doesn’t take much time to do it.

แก้ไขเลยนะครับ จริงๆพารากราฟนี้เขียนค่อนข้างดีอยู่แล้ว

However, the solution of this problem isn’t difficult at all. Every househole can simply save the water by reusing the waste of the water used from washing car, dishes, etc., to water plants and for any further attempts. Along, try not to throw trash or release the polluted waste into any water resources and as well in other places. This is (These are) the best and easiest way for everybody to do it, and also, doesn't take much time in action.

[La Bassa]

ฮัลโหล อันนี้พารากราฟสุดท้าย


Above all, I believe that humans should pay attention to the importance of all natural resources, making an aim to replenish and to save the mother Earth. Use as necessarily needed and not wasting our pricelessly valuable resources. If we start to care for our world today, our descendants would have a beautiful world to live in the future.(เติมให้ อิอิ) Save the world, save the life.

[La Bassa]

ถือว่าน้องมีความพยายามในการเขียนเอสเส่ย์ ซึ่งเป็นที่น่ายินดีมาก แสดงออกถึงความมุมานะในการตั้งใจเขียนด้วยความสามารถของตนเองก่อน จึงคุ้มค่าและคู่ควรที่จะได้รับความช่วยเหลือ (เท่าที่พี่จะช่วยได้) น่าปรบมือให้ครับ อิอิอิ ถึงแม้ว่าวันนี้เอสเสที่แก้อาจจะยังไม่เพอร์เฟ็กต์ร้อยเปอร์เซ็น เพราะพี่ต้องการคงลักษณะความหมายเดิมของน้องไว้ แต่ในวันหน้าถ้าน้องตั้งใจและฝึกอ่านฝึกเขียนบ่อยๆ ทักษะของน้องก็จะก้าวหน้าขึ้นอย่างแน่นอนครับ สู้ๆ

ปล. โรงเรียนพี่ไม่เห็นต้องเขียนอะไรอย่างงี้เลย 555555


For any further wordings and grammar correction by experts, I would really appreciate your kindness. Thank you in advance.